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I choose liquor: a simple, sweet substitute for the pain into which I was born. This pain has grown and nurtured a madness so terrible, so unqualified...that the only route left to self-preservation is the route to self-destruction. The implosion of my mind, slowly and dismally collapsing, has fueled my hand, ignited it with the only thing I know how to undertake at this time: masturbation.Oh there is no escape from these doldrums of loneliness. The impeccable, the innocuous, yet deadly subtlety. I stopped into the emergency room. The doctor there took one look at me and ran some immediate tests. When they put the IV in my arm and took off my pants, I knew it wasn’t going to be a casual visit. ‘You are having a heart attack,’ the doctor informed me. ‘Who can we notify?’ ‘Well, I’ve got to get my car back home. I’ll tell my wife and she can bring me back.’ ‘Not a chance! You won’t make it home. This is serious. If we don’t get you to a cardiac care unit immediately, you are going to. When we arrived, there were about 30 people there – about 24 guys and half a dozen girls, so we immediately got a lot of attention from the guys. However, I only saw one other white person there, a girl. One guy, LeRoy, pulled me aside and asked if I would like a drink which I had. I noticed that when he took up with me, the other guys seemed to fade away. They deferred to him. He was a great talker, and very good looking. I’d say he was about 6’2”, maybe 190 pounds and very athletic. BY. It's hard to break that mental block about worrying about how others will react. I think it will get easier. It did for us. I mean, look at us now. Jesus, Sarah and Shelly practically hump each other on the dinner table." What about Rebecca?" Adam asked.Allie looked up at him quickly."I didn't figure you'd recognize that one," she said. "You're a little slow on the uptake."She gave another slow sigh."That is a different problem," Allie said. "It's not a matter of attraction – for any of us..
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