I know. It just seems like I should be doing something to protect you from him. I feel so fucking useless!”I closed the door to the dishwasher and p...t my arms around his waist. I rested my head on his chest and said, “Don’t be silly, Doug! You aren’t useless! You’re an excellent cook!”We laughed at that and I added, “And you have become the best lover in the world. You’re the only man who has ever fucked me into unconsciousness. I’m thinking of having a statue of you erected in the front. ' In just one more moment."That's all right," Helen's voice returned up the stairs. "Take yourtime! We'll be down here having a drink! I'll pour one for you forwhenever you feel ready to come down and join us."She was telling me there's no escape. But join them? Not flash andrun? Was she being cruel or considerate? She must know that 'wheneverI feel ready' means for me, in one sense, never. At least not duringthe seven years of married life I've been secretly dressing as a woman,hiding. It's been a long time, and I've never told Mr. Russo about it. But, I do fantasize about it sometimes. I like sex with a man. But, women provide something men can't."I was ready to go right then! But she said we had to be careful and asked me how I'd feel about meeting in a motel. There was something exciting and dangerous about it. I trusted her, so it wasn't uncomfortable. We had to wait a few days for the time to be right. I masturbated over and over, fantasizing about what being with her. They give you funny looks in stores and especially on the bus. Whenever they see me reading one of my Black magazines like Black Enterprise, Ebony or Essence, they always stare. I guess they’ve never seen an African-American magazine before. They also say some very negative things in a very subtle way. If you’re not paying attention you could miss it. I confront them about their racist bullshit nearly every time. They’re always surprised when I call them on their subtle bigotry. I guess racist.
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